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I wish I could slap myself, like actually, but it's proven you cant slap yourself as hard as you can. I'm such an idiot, what have I gotten myself into. I am going to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. How the hell am I suppose to tell Devin why I haven't seen him, in person for that matter, I will probably start crying or something, that would be great. My heart is racing enough as it is, nevermind face to face. Uggggghhh!! I don't know what to do. I have to go see him, I want to, I really do but seriously, I might just pass out. It is so hard to tell Devin the negative things about me. I can tell him ANYTHING about my life, about me, about anything, except the negative things. For some reason whenever I do he just...makes them worse I guess, on purpose though. Like he wants me to hurt for it. I told him about my brother one time, how he said he wasn't my brother and all this and Devin basically, stabbed me with everything I had trusted telling him. Maybe thats another reason I am afraid to get close to Devin in person, I don't think I could handle Devin actually throwing his hard insults out in person. I would probably hit him.  But, Devin and I talked today, more than we have in awhile, It's been along while...It's almost hard to believe. He said there is one more requirment to seeing him..'you need a practical explanation as to why it has taken up to now to make it happen.' WHY DO YOU THINK?! My gosh Devin, for someone that is so smart, you would think he would have figured it out. I know I have acted stupid for Devin before, I mean, the statements I have made to him, come on man, I graduated with a 3.9 GPA, I have a masters course already, I'm on the top 50 brokers list of BC and I'm not even 20 yet. But I am comfortable around him, on the computer. Fuck, I am going on now about nothing. I just don't know what to say to him, "Devin dear, the reason its taken this long is because [Brutal Honesty] YOU ARE FUCKING PERFECT! I don't care if you think you arn't, but you are to me, you are gorgeous, smart, funny, you make me feel good about myself and allow me to be myself most of the time. But when I am around you in person I feel like, people are wondering why on earth is he with me?" --  I mean I get hit on a lot, I'd say once or twice a day atleast and all the time when I'm out but, they are just boys, I don't care to know them. I don't know what I am saying anymore, my eyes are blurry from the tears. I hate this, I hate myself for being so stupid and allowing him to just...leave. I'm sure I have said a lot in this stupid blog, a lot that I don't mean, and that I do. But I don't care to read it over. I just hope I do this right. -- Just read over this. I'm an idiot, I take it all back. I'm just stupid, I just am afraid to fall in love with him, thats the truth. I don't want to fall in love with Devin, I already have alittle, I know we would have fun in person, our personailitys together would for sure be a good time.
 

So all of that in point form

- Miss Devin, so so much.
- MUST GO SEE HIM. I must get over it, its just life, whatever happens happens.. & fucking soon. Like next weekend tops.
- Don't act like an idiot anymore, thats probably what got me in trouble in the first place.
- Somehow tell Devin that the reason I haven't seen him is because....I'm stupid? Scared? Adore him?
- Figure out how to tell Devin.
- Figure out how to tell Devin in person without breaking down like a blubbering idiot.

I think he must think I am mad, or a fool. One of the two, the way he speaks to me. I say I fear the situation and he makes sarcastic jokes, like "I'm a scary person." Fucking idiot. You are about as scary as a kitten. He thinks he knows about my whole fucking weight shit, I've picked up on him giving many hints, I've just decided not to say anything to avoid talking about it. That isn't it. Okay alittle, so I want to make myself perfect for him, what is wrong with that. Cause I'm really the first to do it..

nfdkngfdjnklsdngj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEVIN YOU IDIOT. I AM NOT LIKE ANY OF YOUR BIMBOS. Stupid ass. I am going to go see him look him in the eye and kick him in the balls for making me think about myself and second guess and...make me know he is right. ass.

I've been doing amazing. My stomach is empty, and so is my heart. Everyone is so stupid, they think I am great, but thats what I tell them. How can someone just..stop talking. I honest to god hate it! I feel terrible and sick whenever I think of him. I hate this, so so much. I can't even write this tiny amount of feelings without starting to whine. I miss you.

www.youtube.com/watch

:(

Ugggggggggggggggggggggggg! I am so mad! Not even mad, I don't know what I am. I woke up this morning balling my eyes out. I had such a bad dream. I hate them, I get them so much, and to make it worse it was about Devin. It was terrible, I have had dreams before that he was getting hurt and stuff like this but this time it was actually him hurting me. Not like physically or anything, but when Devin is upset and trying to insult you he goes straight for the heart, and in my dream he did that and yeah, I actually felt hurt. When I woke up I was almost in panic, I wanted to call him right there and just get comfort, but I knew I couldn't. I hate not talking to him so much. My days are boring, my nights are boring, they are dull. Whenever something exciting happens I don't even get excited anymore because I can't tell him about it. I thought about just pretending nothing ever happened, continueing to pester him until he caved, but I know better than to even try. It's so frustrating because I know I am going to go see him, I have it all planned out and everything but I still can't talk to him. Thing is, the longer I leave it, the more the connection seems to fade. It wouldn't be hard for Devin to replace my role as who he talks to more. Not that I ever wanted it to be that, but sometimes he played it out to be. Another thing I don't like is that I don't really understand what Devin wants. I mean, he always says oh stupid girls, and why can't they just want to be friends, and at the beginning I was totally fine with that, when we started talking again I wanted nothing more than to just be friends :) But after us having deeper conversations I really feel like I can connect to Devin, I pretty much trust him to tell him anything, even somethings where I know he is going to say I am an idiot. I don't know what to do anymore, what to say. It hurts, I miss him. I don't understand why he doesn't understand. Devin strives to be perfect, thats all I am trying to do.

- staying strong.

What a boring day. I guess it's kind of a me day :) I'm still in my Pj's and I have been looking at Halloween costumes and watching hollywood stories and the news all morning :P It's October first! How I love fall <3 The colors, the smells, everything is so amazing. I got a new nick name this morning, major trouble haha, as in Major (leader) but yes, it made me laugh :D I've also decided to make a new plan to stick to, and to stop some of my nasty habits. EXCEPT  hot chocolate, even though I really shouldn't drink it because it is terrible for you, I love it. It is one dirty little secret I will allow myself to have. But no more junk, what so ever. I am bringing the Wii fit into my room instead of my living room, because I haven't been sleeping well lately so it will give me something to do :) It's amazing that you can take one person out of your life and all of a sudden everything is different. I'm watching Kiro 7 new right now, and some lady went in for liposuction and she never woke up again....isn't that terrible, she is in a coma now. Very interesting though, because you have to go through tests before you are put under to make sure you are healthy enough. They say Liposuction is so safe it can be done at a doctors office, wow.  I will have to make sure I hear the story :) and Michael Jackson was healthy when he died, his heart was strong with no build up and his weight of 139 was healthy for a 5'9 man. I am almost done the book I have been writing :) There is somethings I need to work on, but, wow, even when I reread it I was amazed, I have some interviews for it to go to print aswell, but I don't think I will. It's kind of a diary of my life, and everyone I know is in it, but their names are changed of course, and situations have different twists. But it really is amazing. We will see what happens, after loosing 180,000 in stocks, I have been in money mode, even though I know they will bounce back. Anyway, back to me time :) I bought a puzzle awhile ago and never got to do it, I may start it in a bit.

Take care.

11:11, make a wish.

I've had a rough day, running around. I'm trying to find a new full time job, I need a change in lifestyle for now. I texted Devin tonight. I told him I missed him, he said he missed me too, in his words. I want this to work between  us, and I want to see him, but I'm going to wait a month, I need to finish some personal things first, just for myself. I don't know if he will wait that long though. My leg is pretty much healed now :) So I am happy about that. I bailed down the stairs today though. You know when you have socks on and your foot kinda slips on the carpet stairs, and it sends like a rush up your body, it was like that, but I actually fell haha. I've been feeling rather lonley lately, and have been blowing off all my friends. They are going to wonder what is up. I met a guy a few months ago, he had a viper, one of my favorite cars, and a kid, He asked me out for dinner and it was nice, but I never talked to him after that. Well I seen him today and he said he couldnt stop dreaming about me, it was kind of weird...I wonder where I will be when I am 30. I mean, I know I will be making alot of money, and I will have alot of money, speaking of which, I lost $180,000 dollars on my stocks yesterday. I was not impressed, I cried, but I know it will bounce back eventually but still! When you hear you lose that much, like wow. but anyway, I wonder if I will be married, and I wonder who too. Or if I will have kids, I want kids, but...I don't know if I will have them. I don't really want to be with a guy unless he is my perfect match. I would rather have a kid and be a single mother than with someone I don't enjoy talking to and their company and I love them.

But who knows. I wish I could see the future, that would be amazing, to see if you are doing the right thing, or wasteing your time. Anyway, I am off to bed, I just had a zillion thoughts running through my mind that I had to let a few out.

Sweet dreams.

I haven't been keeping up with my blogs, that is for sure, I need to start. Make that number one on my goal list. I had my fortune told and I was told I will have luck with the number 47, so I am going to write a list for goals (47 of them) and hopefully ;) My leg is getting a lot better, you can't really tell except for the hole in my leg haha. I haven't been doing much. Devin and I are, once again fighting, but who knows if this one if going to blow over or not. If it doesnt, and he sticks to his words which were "he will treat me like everyone else he doesnt give a shit about." or something along those lines, than, I hope it doesn't blow over. It's easier to not have someone in your life when you are mad at them. Halloween is soon! I can't wait, I love halloween. Last Halloween really sucked for me :( My aunt passed away, and than my grandma. :( It was terrible. Anyway, I am off to do some things.

Take care. xoxo

Take care xoxo

I'm back! I've decided to write back on my blog and go back to my lifestyle as before. Somethings have changed and I don't have much to do except work and family now adays. I kind of lost a friend a few days ago. An amazing friend. His name is Devin. Devin and I use to talk all day and all night everyday, and it's been two days since he told me to not fucking talk to him anymore. It hurt, alot. But, I can't bring myself to go back to him yet, as much as I make excuses for not seeing him, I am tired of the 'I hate you now' game. You see, when you look at Devin, when anyone looks at Devin, you melt. He is the most charming, handsome man out there. His babyface, gorgeous eyes and charming smile alone will blow you away, but his knowledge and quirkyness is what makes you fall hard in love. He is unlike anyone I have ever met. Devin is mad at me, you see, we talk all the time on the computer, on the phone and everything, but everytime Devin invites me out or we make plans, they always fall through. And it's always my fault, but it's hard. He is so perfect that I feel like I would be a fool to even be friends with him, people are harsh in this world. I am pretty good at pretending to be confident, but around him it's different and he doesn't understand, but I know it's stupid. I know I am shallow for thinking he is so shallow but I have been hurt alot in life. I miss him alot, and I will very much, but I know he will find everything he is looking for in life, he is amazing and deserves it so much :) See, thats one reason I know I care more than anyone else, because I would rather give him up to be happy, than not feel perfect for him. But anyway, now I am back. I have always been dieting and watching my weight, I just stopped doing the journals because I didn't want him to know; he talks to alot of girls that have ED, I didn't want to be another one of those bimbos that just do it for attention, because honestly, those girls have no idea what it's like to weight only 120 pounds or less and look in the  mirror and see the most discusting 400 pound fat thing ever, and it's you. I'm starting the ABC diet on Friday, tomorrow I am going to fast with just water to clear out my system to get ready for the diet. I need something to occupy me now so I'm switching from my regular no more than 3 meals a day, no more than 1200 calories, it's alot more than normal but it's been working great with my runs at night time. But it's time to strain myself alittle more, keep my mind moving forward. I will make sure I buy some more multi vitamins and fishoil pills, I will most likely need to get some more sleeping pills too since after around day 6 I won't be able to sleep.

-Anyway, it's good to be back! Wish you all well :)

Take care xoxo